Stranglicious

25 True Things About Me*

2011-03-14T20:50:00.000-07:00

1- My dream is to join the Navy someday.
2- I have been on America's Most Wanted two different times.
3- I have an affinity for eating glue.
4- I have 6 fingers on my left hand.
5- I eat stray cats I find around the neighborhood. If I've cooked for you then chances are you have as well.
6- I begin each day by eating a sleeve of Saltine crackers.
7- I don't have a job, I spend each day administrating an elaborate black mail operation.
8- I invented glass.
9- As a result of a lawsuit I can get free Taco Bell whenever I want.
10- I have published a few books under the name Dr Suess.
11- I have 4 wives and 19 kids.
12- I once got a speeding ticket in a hot air balloon.
13- I am allergic to Oreos.
14- I own 20 acres of vineyards in New Zealand that I received as an award for being the "Best Porn Star of 1994".
15- My favorite restaurant is The Sizzler.
16- I sometimes hang out at the emergency room to practice my CPR skills.
17- I grow corn in my apartment.
18- Due to a rare condition I actually have to continually drink wine in order to stay sober.
19- I am afraid of unicorns.
20- I don't celebrate groundhog's day. My family doesn't believe in it.
21- I read the entire newspaper everyday.
22- My nickname is "The Tornado".
23- I have never lost a game of tennis.
24- I believe that gentleman should always wear gloves while driving a motor-car.
25- I was born in Belize. My mom is Aunt Jemima and my dad is Dracula.

*These things are not true.

Cracked on Michael Bay

2009-06-13T23:13:00.000-07:00

I contributed a Topic Page to the Cracked site.

Check it out here!

The Answer Is No

2009-05-11T19:39:00.000-07:00

Consider this a cheat sheet for life. Cliff notes for the real world. These tips I'm about to give you will save you an immeasurable amount of grief and embarrassment. You can thank me later.
There are certain questions that someone might ask or statements that someone might say to you where the answer is always "No". Some of these may be obvious to you depending on your age and how many times you've been around "the block", but I wrote this article for everyone. Whether you're a moronic 5 year old or a stupid 40 year old, there is something in this lesson for you.

1- I will start off simple. If someone asks you "Do you want a Hertz Donut?" the answer is "No".
I spelled "Hertz" like the car rental place because that's what I imagined the first time I heard it.
It seemed totally plausible that a car rental company was distributing pastry, and I thought to myself "Sure, I'd like to try one."
So I said "Yes" which (as we learned) is the wrong answer. There was in fact no pastry. A Hertz Donut involves being punched in the arm and immediately asked "Hurts don't it?"
I don't know what was more painful- being hit in the arm or being insulted by an 8 year old asshole with poor grammar.

2- The second one is most often perpetrated by loved ones or those close to you. Spouses, parents, grandparents, weird uncles, and children- trust no one!
"Open your mouth and close your eyes."
The answer is "No". It's going to be something gross. It could be poop. Or a gross thing covered in poop.
Even if it's not poop, it could be something cripplingly sour, or exceedingly spicy, or something that the perpetrator knows you don't like, or it could very well just be poop.
On the off chance that the person is genuinely trying to give you something that is tasty and edible I usually say the following-
"Listen, I get what you're doing. However, I have huge trust issues and a few weird food allergies, and everyone knows that taste is 40% visual, so just put it in my fucking hand. Thanks."
More often than not you wind up with a hand full of poop.

3- Slightly less intrusive, but equally offensive is "Smell this."
I think not.

4- This next one will save you from humiliation and very well could save your life- "Give me your hands."
Go ahead, give them your hands, and once you've either been gang raped or tickled to the point of soiling yourself you will realize that there is really never a good time to give someone your hands.
The only possible exception is if you're hanging off a cliff or a ledge or a skyscraper. Even in that scenario you most often hear "Take my hand" or "Give me your hand" (singular) which obviously leaves one hand free to fend off a tickle attack or a clumsy cliff rapist.
If I were dangling from a precipice and a stranger said "Give me your hands" I would just say "Beat it jerk."

5- This next question is very popular among college students.
It is pretty straight forward, but still warrants discussion. "Does my dick look weird?"
I don't know how many times I've fallen for this. The trick here is not that there is any abnormality or mutation, but that they got an upstanding heterosexual male with no medical training to examine another mans penis. They aren't actually looking for any answer at all. Clever, I know.
The correct response to this question is to turn tail and run like an Olympic sprinter. Do not stop running until you get home or you collapse. Remaining in the situation will only result in ridicule and more comments like "What do you mean an ugly mushroom?" or "Give me your hands."

6- The last question is a little more obscure, but serious enough that I thought I'd save you a trip to the emergency room.
"Do you want to play fudgey budgie?" The answer is "No."

Music Piracy and You

2009-04-30T21:44:00.000-07:00

In this day and age we hear a lot of confusing information about music, downloading, and piracy. Sometimes it feels like you need a physics degree to understand what it all means. After all, things are much different than the "old days". Just like you, I still remember listening to my favorite tunes on vinyl and cassette tapes. How do you know if you're breaking the law?

Let me take a moment to put your mind at ease and explain music copyright law in a straight forward and easy to digest manner. Now, I'm no lawyer, and I always advise seeking legal advise on legal matters, but here's how I understand it.

1- Am I a pirate?

No, you are not.

2- Can I be?

Yes. If you illegally distribute music, then you can be a pirate.

3- Do pirates have boats?

No. Not these pirates.

4- My friend Ted bought a CD and burned me a copy of it. Is this legal?

Yes. Think of it like this- Ted buys a CD and says "Hey, my friend, you would really enjoy this". So Ted calls you on the phone and tells you to come over. You go over to Ted's house, smoke some grass, and listen to his new CD.

Now imagine that whole scenario except you didn't have to go anywhere!

There are some people who say that this reduces record sales. This is nonsense. There are two reasons for this. First, Ted likes horrible music and you would never buy that crap. Second, why would you buy a CD when Ted can just burn you one?

5- I once owned an album, but I sold it for beer money. Do I have to pay to download the same album?

Absolutely not. Once you own an album you own it forever.

Yes, you heard it right. We all own a copy of the Michael Jackson Thriller album forever.

The music download sites will, of course, gladly take your money, but there is a simple way around this. Write a letter and explain your request directly. Feel free to copy this form letter.

Dear iTunes,

I bought this fucking CD ten years ago! Give it!

Sincerely, Todd B

6- I bought a CD at a used record store for 99 cents. It has 15 songs that are available on iTunes for 99 cents each. How does that work?

Good question. Since songs cost 99 cents on iTunes, you essentially paid for one song on that whole CD which means the other 14 songs are yours to do with as you please. You can give them away, sell them, copy them, or use them as the soundtrack to your next film.

7- I used to take my old CDs to a used CD store and trade them in on new CDs. Can I trade in my old Metallica MP3s on new Coldplay MP3s?

No way Jose. This is how they fuck you. No one wants your old Metallica songs. You were a fool to download those. You may trade old Metallica songs for new Guns & Roses songs, but that is all.

8- Can I burn a copy of a CD for myself?

No.

9- Can I burn an MP3 playlist to CD and sell it?

Sure. What is important is that you sell it in Mexico. In Mexico, what we call a "burned CD", they call a "CD". The bad news is that they are only worth 3 cents a piece, or you can always trade them in on new Guns & Roses songs.

10- Why do all free downloads suck?

Because all free things suck, unless they're stolen. Then they're the best.

Hopefully this helps clear up any questions that you might have had. Happy downloading!

An Argument For Being Microchipped

2009-04-05T21:49:00.000-07:00

OK you hippies, hear me out.

I have a solution to all our problems and it is sooooo easy that when you hear it you will say "Man Todd, you are so smart and we are so stupid we should all give you a million dollars".

I will first tell you my idea, and trust me when I say it is a great idea. I will then address some concerns that you may have with my idea. After that I will explain some of the benefits of my idea. And finally I will bask in your praise.

OK so it goes like this-

We should all be implanted with microchips so that we can be tracked on a computer.

Right now thousands of voices are all screaming "Why didn't I think of that! Damn it Todd, why are you so damn smart and handsome?!"

Some of us are just lucky that way. It is my gift. Lucky for you, I choose to use my gift for good.

OK, now to address your concerns.

#1- Yes, we would all be little dots on a computer screen.

I personally envision our names above the dots. Or maybe first initial followed by last name? I was originally thinking blue dots for boys and pink dots for girls, but I now realize that is a bad idea. Making all the dots green will promote "equality of the sexes" and it will give it an awesome Matrix style look. I also picture a giant screen like in the movie 'War Games'. I also envision Dabney Coleman, or someone who looks like Dabney Coleman running the entire operation.

#2- No I am not crazy, go get a haircut you stinky hippy.

Now I will explain some of the benefits of my idea.

#1- No more crime.

Yep, you heard me right. If someone were to turn up dead (as an example we'll use my neighbor Bill Jackson). The police would look at the location where Bill's body was found and then they would rewind the feed like a VCR and look to see who was there when Bill stopped moving.

"Look," the Police Officer would say, "it looks like Todd was there when Bill was murdered! It was must have been Todd who killed Bill because he plays his stereo all hours of the night!"

Also, no more missing children.

"Gosh," the Police Officer would say, "where is Bill's kid Zachary? He is missing?!"

But all they would have to do is look at the screen and see where the green dot for Zachary was.

"Look," the Police Officer would say, "there is Zachary! He is in Todd's trunk!"

#2- No more missing people.

If a mountain climber doesn't return from his expedition they could simply look at the screen and find the green dot for the missing climber. Easy peezy pumpkin pie.

If Bill Jackson didn't show up for work they could just look for his dot on the screen.

"Hey," the Police Officer would say, "we found Bill. He's in the motel screwing Todd's wife."

So in summary- No crime. No Missing persons.

See, I knew you would love my idea. It is the best idea ever! It is such a good idea even hippies like it, and if you would lay off the pot smoking for a day or two you might not be such an uptight prick.

So, please send my million dollars. I will accept cash or a cashiers check or PayPal.

An Open Letter To Larry

2009-03-12T21:45:00.000-07:00

My good friends Sam & Karen have a little boy named Larry. He's about a year and a half old. It's very funny watching him grow up. He's forming short sentences. He finally knows my name. That is really cool. He seems like a smart kid.

I thought it might be a good idea to write him a letter for when he's older. I'm not sure exactly what he's going to do when he's older, so I have written two drafts.

Letter #1

Dear Captain,

How are you?! How was your trip to the moon?

I saw on the news that things went really well.

I have been using the "I know an astronaut" line to pick up chicks. You're going to have to come visit some time so I can show people I'm not lying. We can go out for tacos or something. There is a taco truck that comes by my place everyday. My treat!

I am really jealous that you got to go to the moon. That is so rad! Did you jump really far? That's what I would do if I went to the moon. I would definitely see how far I could jump and maybe also how high I could jump.

I meant to ask you- does soda stay carbonated on the moon? I think it would because it's in the can already, but my friend says it wouldn't because there's no air on the moon. I think it would be tough to shotgun a beer on the moon. I think about that a lot. Seems like you'd be the person to ask about things like this. Let me know!

I had the best idea while you were on the moon. I should have had you take a disposable camera along with you. You could have taken a bunch of pictures and then when I went to get them developed I could be like "Whoa! These aren't my pictures! These pictures were taken on the moon!" And everyone would look at the pictures and they would see that THEY REALLY WERE TAKEN ON THE MOON!

Oh my God, that would be so hilarious! You were already on the moon when I thought of it, so it was too late.

Anyhoo, give me a call sometime. Your friend.... Todd

Letter #2

Dear Fuhrer,

Congrats on taking over the world. I mean, seriously, wow.

It isn't so much that I ever doubted you. I just wasn't sure that you could do it. The propaganda is really, really effective. The new uniforms are pretty slick. Overall I'd say you've done a bang up job.

I meant to ask you what "Fuhrer" means? The Death Squads burned down the library by my house. I figured you'd be the one to ask.

Also, I meant to ask- What's with all the killing? I'm not sure where you learned that. Your mom will probably blame your Dad and I (Ha ha).

Don't get me wrong. I understand the national pride thing and the master race and all that, but killing the Jews seems a little "Hitlerish". Ya know? That's just my opinion.

The way I figure it-

A- Jews never bothered me.

B- Mel Brooks is really funny, I don't care who you are.

B- I like bagels.

So I might actually be pro-jew (just kidding, LONG LIVE THE FUHRER!)

Anyhoo, next time you're in town you should come over and I'll buy you lunch. I know a guy named Mort who has a great Deli down the street.

Check ya later.... Todd

What happened to Mrs. Von Trapp?

2009-02-15T21:47:00.000-08:00

The hills are alive with the sound of music!

As you are aware, I am a huge fan of the Sound of Music. It is a gem of a film. There really aren't that many movies that have Nazis and musical numbers. I have fond memories of sitting on hill tops and singing "The Lonely Goatherd". There is nothing so innocent as the yodeling of a goatherd.

For those of you who aren't acquainted with this movie, it's the true story of an Austrian man named George Von Trapp. He and his children were known as the The Singing Von Trapp Family and they would perform all over the world. When one of his children becomes ill he hires a nun from a local abbey named Maria. Long story short- the nun sings too, he falls in love with the nun, and the whole family makes a dramatic escape from the Nazis. Hooray!

The hills are alive with the sound of music!

As wonderful as this film is, there has always been one question that has haunted me.

What happened to Mrs Von Trapp?

They never really addressed it in the movie. Did she die? Did they divorce? What is the deal?

It seemed important to know. This film is beloved by many. The stage play was wildly successful. And I felt I had a historical obligation to find the answer.

I decided to do some research on the matter.

I first assembled a team to assist me. I hired an attorney named Earl Hefner to keep affairs in line, I brought on project coordinator Lisa Campbell to organize the endeavor, and I got Aidan Heinlan CPA to manage the financial aspects of the research.

Second, I rented some office space in which to house the operation and the 4 interns I brought on from PCC. Each of the students was majoring in either history or European studies.

Third, I applied for a grant to help finance the project. Admittedly this was the part I knew least about and that took the longest. It was very challenging, but after 14 months of letters and meetings I managed to secure a grant for $75, 000 from the history department at Schiller University in Switzerland. The investigation had gotten the green light.

There were a few facts I knew-

-His first wife Agathe Von Trapp was from a wealthy family. Her father invented the torpedo.

-George Von Trapp was in the Austro-Hungarian Navy, like his father.

-They were married January 10, 1911.

I spent 6 weeks in Austria getting familiar with the places where the Von Trapp family lived. As I uncovered information I sent it back to my office back home. I got daily updates from Lisa. It was like a machine. A research machine.

I walked the streets of Salzburg. I saw where they grew up. Where they shopped. I talked to the locals. I learned that all but two of the original seven Von Trapp singers had died. I visited the Von Trapp family graves in Zell am See. George. Maria. By the end of my trip I felt as if I knew the Von Trapp family. It changed me. It was nothing short of amazing.

Important things that I learned-

-Agathe Von Trapp actually christened the first boat that George Von Trapp commanded.

-George and Agathe had seven children together.

-Agathe Von Trapp was a vampire.

-George Von Trapp sank 11 enemy vessels as commander.

Upon my return I learned that my interns had located the youngest of the children, Maria Franziska Von Trapp. Initially she didn't wish to be bothered. I sent her many letters and gifts. I remember the day I first talked to her on the phone. This was a Von trapp! We talked on a few more occasions and finally she granted me an interview. I flew out to New York on a crisp autumn evening and took a bus north to Vermont. We met for brunch the next morning and had a delightful conversation. She looked great for being 94 years old. She was much more lively than I had anticipated. Quite a character. So wise.

I asked how the family coped with her mother being a vampire. I didn't get a straight answer. She seemed bothered by the fact that I brought this up. Our meeting unfortunately ended on an awkward note. I would probably be the same way if my mother was a vampire.

Over the next few months I brainstormed with my team. I sent the interns to Austria for the summer to see if they uncover anything that I had missed. I visited with the stars of the film, Julie Andrews and Christopher Plummer. I read the Maria Von Trapp autobiography. I read Rodgers & Hammersteins original script and work notes. I read the lyrics. Nothing about vampires. I looked for songs that had been omitted or changed. Dead ends.

I didn't feel as though I was any closer. Were the Von Trapp family really running from the Nazis? Or were they running from their vampire mother?

Funding was running out. I had to let the interns go. In a final attempt to solve the mystery I spent the long cold winter in Austria. I slept on the street or in a hostel and I lived off of weiner schnitzels stolen from street vendors. I slept during the day and walked the streets at night looking for signs of any Austrian vampires.

Where are you Mrs. Von Trapp! Where are you!

After 4 long years I finally got my answer.

On September 3, 1922, Agathe Von Trapp died of scarlet fever*.

*Wikipedia

Taco Truck!

2009-01-30T21:48:00.000-08:00

Hey guys! Guess what! The Taco Truck is coming!

It's almost noon and that's when the Taco Truck arrives!

Are you guys gonna go over to the Taco Truck? I'll see you there!

Well you know what... I'm not going to the Taco Truck.

Yes, you heard me right. I am not going.

Oh, I know. Talk to the hand, as I've heard it all before.

"It's really good" you say.

"It's authentic" you say.

As Rob over in the warehouse says "Dude, it's grub".

I hear you loud and clear, however, I am not going to have any of it.

Before you dismiss me as one of those "Taco Bigots", let me assure you I have given this quite a lot of thought. Let me explain.

First of all, I can't believe you guys would eat food out of a moving vehicle! It's never a good idea. Now to be clear, I'm not talking about eating food while IN a moving vehicle. This is generally a bad idea, but there are a few exceptions (The Wendy's Jr Bacon Cheesburger comes to mind, but that topic will have to wait). What I'm talking about right now is purchasing food from a "restaurant" that is, in fact, not a "restaurant", but an "automobile". To clarify, I will even go so far as to say that this includes trailers which may be attached to moving vehicles.

Now, I can hear you already. You're wagging your index finger and clamoring to get a word in, but let me explain my stance on movable dining establishments.

Argument #1- Snow cones

Snow cones are stupid.

Argument #2- Double Duty

I must ask- Is it an automobile, or is it a restaurant? As our founding fathers said "Double duty? Something is fruity". If I saw a sign in front of a business that said "Stanley Brothers Accounting CPA & Chili" I would seriously have to question the quality of their accounting and I suspect I would be very suspicious of that chili. You may be a car, or a restaurant, not both.

Argument #3- It's Shady

Simply put, I need to know where the restaurant is going to be tomorrow. Why is not important. It is imperative that a restaurant be stationary. Whether I want to bring some friends back on a later date, or I want to demand a free meal for giving me diarrhea, the restaurant absolutely must stay put. Our parents taught us not to take candy from strangers, this is, in all reality, the exact same thing. Perfect example- The Ice Cream Man. Why don't we buy food from the man in the truck? Because we all know that the ice cream man is a serial killer who drives around blaring "Pop Goes The Weasel" and looking for his next victim. I rest my case.

Now, at this point I'm sure you understand. We're probably all on the same page. But I'm going to continue because I want to be 100% sure.

Now, I don't want to sound racist, (and I know I'm going to get some letters) but I have a very strong preference as to the heritage of the individual who is serving my food. I'm sure some of you feel very much the same way. I, for one, prefer to get my Mexican food from white people. There, I said it.

Now, it's not that I have a problem with Mexican people, because I don't. I have problems with trust and short term memory.

When I want Mexicans serving me my food I go get a hamburger or pizza. I don't think I'm alone here. It just feels right. I think most people would agree with me.

I mean, who do you want serving your Chinese food? Chinese people.

Who do you want serving your Italian food? Black people.

Italians are great in the kitchen, but I don't like seeing them with my food. Stay in the kitchen! This is mainly because of the Sopranos and a little thing called World War II.

Another thing. There are only three acceptable taco toppings- beef, chicken, and fish*. Some people will go so far as to say pork is also acceptable, but these are the same people who save their gum so they can chew it later.

The taco truck is serving all kinds of things that were probably meant for the dogs.

Brains. The whole brain thing was pretty cool for Indiana Jones, but in the real world we have a thing called Mad Cow Disease and I'm pretty sure it has something to do with cow brains. Tongue? No way! I wouldn't put your dogs tongue in my mouth on a ten dollar bet, I'm sure as hell not putting a cow tongue in my mouth. It's still French kissing animals, which is wrong. Tripe? This doesn't even really make sense when you think about it.

So, in summation, the Taco Truck is a bad idea. Just say "NO" to the Taco Truck.

To cement this firmly in your mind, I offer some anagrams of "Le Taco Truck".

Crack Outlet (Holy shit!)

Rectal Tucko (???)

Cat Truck Ole (Possibly Incriminating)

*Choco Taco is not really a taco, but I would certainly consider for it the 4th acceptable taco.